Shut up, Craig

Why is it that every american cycling comentator sounds like a dweeb?  Take Craig Hummer (I like to call him "Humsies") on versus.  He seems to have learned a lot about cycling (and about commentating) since last year, demonstrating his prowess with such incites as "He's not here to compete. He's here to win" and, "Still to come, more action from the Tour of California".  Oh gee, I thought that the race was over in the middle!  I was going to leave, but now I'll stay!  The best part about watching Humsies is that if you stay tuned to OLN, err, Versus, you can see him commenting on everything from fishing to bull riding.   yeehaw

I would say that it's just because he's a professional commentator, not a professional cycling commentator.  But then what about Bobke, who commentates in kph and unapolagetically talkes with his hands?  And what'shisname, the guy who sounds like he lost his voice from an all night screamfest at a Metallica concert.  They know cycling inside and out, but they sound like total dufuses when they try to explain it to people.  

I blame it on the American educational system.  I think it's because they try to dumb it down too much to try to make it appeal to the average Amerrkan.  Add in an olympic level of sob-stories and you have a recipe for success.  Right?  Or maybe it's because we're used to Brits talking down to us, so it doesn't phase us that when Paul and Phil speak down to us in their charming accents, whereas it is still offensive from our countrypersons.  Thank you British colonial society. 

More important though, is fashion.

For instance, while I've been a Tyler Hamilton fan for a long time when he's in his R&R kit with his GIGANTIC sunglasses, I feel like punching a kitten.  He used to just be a nice boy.  Innocence lost, no?.  Could he look more like a poser?  And speaking of things that once were, I miss Dave Z's mustache.  Funny how he really only had it for a few months, but now I barely recognize him.  Which brings me to my next point.  Mohawks.

I think it must be spring.  I can tell because I've spotted more Mohawks in the last 2 weeks than I've seen over the last several months.  I've prepared a graph to help you see this trend:


As you can see, there are big spikes in Mohawks per capita in the spring and fall.  I attribute this to those being the times when most breakups happen.  Goes something like this:

Guy:  This relationship is so great!
Girl:  We're so over.
Guy:  Damnit!  I'm gonna get a mohawk 'cause I always wanted one and now I don't have to worry about you being all up in my business about it!
Girl:   . . .  don't care.
Guy:  *gets mohawk*  Hell yeah!  Now I'm a Badass!

2 weeks go by...

Guy:  This actually does look stupid and I'll never get laid like this.  *goes back to generic land*

There's a similar trend with girls and  shortish bob-type haircuts and/or gym memberships.  The difference is that when a girl undergoes something like this, she does something to improve her look, whereas with guys, it's generally the opposite.

In personal news, I've signed up for fantasy cycling on Versus.  This'll be my first fantasy sport experience.  We've started a little league down at the pathfinder.  I'll keep you updated on any ownzing that goes on.  If you think you're tough enough to take us on, let me know and I'll let you in.  

In the mean time, go ride your bike.  



Rumblestillskins said...

Replace 'mohawk' with 'mustache' THEN replace 'not getting laid' with 'definitely getting laid'

Rolo said...

Totally. I mean, really, have you ever met anyone who didn't want a mustache ride?